my Pogo

Yesterday morning, around 6:35, my kitty Pogo died. We were both lying on the floor by the heater, which is what we do in the morning because it's the warmest spot in the house. I think she just went to sleep, warm and cozy, and didn't wake up. When I got up to take a shower I went to pet her and she was dead.

I know a lot of people who have lost parents, spouses, and friends in the last year, and I know that the death of a human being who is close to you must be absolutely devastating. I know all this, but still, I hope that no one thinks I'm being frivolous or melodramatic when I say this: it feels like I've lost my best friend.

We got Pogo in the spring of 1989, when I was in kindergarten. My mom and I brought her home from the SPCA, and we thought she was a boy until her first visit to the vet. We named her Pogo because she boinged around all over the place, like a pogo stick. She liked to chase strings and attack my hair, but she was also a cuddly kitty who was not at all afraid of people. She loved tuna and pork loin and really any meat that humans normally eat. She got fat one summer while we were at Camp, and stayed nice and fat right up until she got sick about a year ago. We called her Pugs and Pogopotamus. Her favorite game was playing Pat Pat at the top of the stairs, and she would loudly demand to play it whenever possible. She loved Christmas and sitting under the Christmas tree, climbing ladders, sitting in boxes, and hiding in bags. She liked to sit on things, like papers and sweatshirts, or my homework, when possible. The more you needed to use it, the more she would sit on it. She would push my door open in the middle of the night and sleep on my bed, usually right on my pillow or directly next to my face.

More than anything, Pogo liked to be with us. She never just sort of sat on your lap; she would sit right on your chest and sometimes stretch out a paw and touch your face, just to make sure you were hers. She hated it when we left, and would sit next to our packed suitcases and cry as we got ready to go on vacation. She would be waiting at the top of the stairs when we got home. When she was sick, all she wanted was to be petted and snuggled.

The best thing about Pogo was that she was always there, and she was always ready to make you feel better when you were blue. Purrs were in no short supply with her. I don't really remember life without her, at least not specifically. I remember events from before kindergarten, obviously, but I don't remember how it feels to not have a Pogo. If yesterday and today are any indication, it completely sucks.

We burried her in a box, because she liked boxes so much, and we burried some Christmas tree branches with her, so that she would always be sitting under the Christmas tree. I painted a stone marker for her; I used my favorite stone from when I was a kid, one that was perfectly flat on one side and perfectly round on the other. She's in a sunny part of the garden, right next to Penny, our kitty who died when I was in 8th grade, so they will forever be in the sun.

I will miss her meows and her snuggles and her soft, soft fur, and how she would keep me company every morning next to the heater. She was a great friend, and a perfect cat, the likes of which we'll never find again.

Sleep softly, my Pogo Bear. I love you.




Comments:

Adam PB: Fuck. I am sorry to read this. Kitty cats should be made so the death feature is optional.

Don't worry too much about feeling melodramatic. I cried more over the death of my cat than I did for all the humans I've lost combined. Species is irrelevant, it's your kitty, dammit.

The Book of Romans says there's a heaven for animals...


Ellen: Man, I'm so sorry. I've been through that, and it just sucks. Take comfort in the fact that you were able to be there with her, and don't feel bad that the loss of a pet could make you so upset. I think most people with pets will tell you that they love their pets more than they love most of their friends, and losing that is really, really hard.


denali_99755: :(

i have a kitty who will probably go pretty soon. and likely i won't be there. but given my ability to deal with that kind of thing, the distance might be a blessing.

i don't think you're being melodramatic at all. losing a good kitty is like losing the most loyal, unconditional friend you could ever have.



Min: Goodbye Pogo, I'm glad I met you once.

allergens and disgustigens

The above photo is the quintessence of gross. Danielle and I are in the Lake Merritt Albertson's, obtaining the ingredients for nachos, because sometimes nachos are required when your life has little if any purpose. Dano decides that coconut ice cream is also a necessity. I disagree, and anyway, coconut ice cream is not to be found. We do find, however, this tub of helado maiz y queso, or for the non Spanish-speaking crowd, corn and cheese ice cream.

CORN AND CHEESE ICE CREAM. We immediately decide to buy it.

Now, corn and cheese ice cream is not your typical ice cream flavor. I have seen many an interesting ice cream in my time, such as ham (speaking of Spain...), clove, and *GAG* pickle. But I think corn and cheese really takes the proverbial cake here. Corn is a passable fruit/vegetable-type-thing, but cheese? Good god. A dairy-based product should never be flavored like another dairy-based product. You might argue this point by saying that Butter Pecan is a grand ice cream flavor, but you must remember that you're arguing to a girl who has never had real ice cream in her life, let alone Butter Pecan. Allergies, people, allergies. But that is besides the point.

We go back to Dano's apartment and fall asleep watching 13 Going On 30, which is like a bad version of Big with a slightly funny dance scene in the middle, despite what Joey has to say about it. We forget about the ice cream. In the morning, I am about to leave when we remember it, and it becomes our breakfast. Yes, I ate the ice cream. A whole spoonful. Yes, it made me feel gross, because I was allergic and because it was disgusting. It had literal chunks of corn in it and was strangely sweet with an odd cheesy aftertaste. Horrors.

I invite each and every one of you to tell me the grossest ice cream (or hell! the grossest THING!) you have ever tasted, and I'm willing to bet that corn and cheese ice cream will beat all of them out as the most ill-conceived product ever.

But anyway.

Dano and I might be going to Chicago for Spring Break. Well, my Spring Break and her sort-of Spring Break. Who knows. We shall see.

Yesterday Nathan (Nathan Matsuda! in San Francisco!) and Taylor and I tried to go see The New World, but it was not to be, and Nathan and I just ended up going to Mel's and talking about geeky film things for a long time. I'm so glad he's here, because even if I don't see him much, he's someone from my other life, the one I miss more than anything... and even if it's just every now and then, I'm happy to have a porthole onto that existence. Not to sound too sappy or anything. We might drive down to LA for President's Day weekend, because he wants to see Fuchs who is there for the quarter and I want to see everyone I didn't see enough of at New Year's. So perhaps that will be happy.

Corn and cheese ice cream, though... seriously.

-Cam

lost and alone

Humphrey
Originally uploaded by gobears1983.

I'm sure you've probably all heard by now about the whale who swam up the Thames. It reminds me a lot of Humphrey, the humpback whale who swam through the San Francisco Bay and into the Sacramento River Delta in 1985. I was only two, so I don't exactly remember it, but the picture book Humphrey The Lost Whale was one of my favorite books when I was a kid. And perhaps it still is. I have to find my copy of it.

Anyway, they got Humphrey out of the delta by making big scary noises behind him, and nice happy whale noises in front of him, so that he'd swim towards the whale noises. I don't quite understand why they haven't done this in London. Or perhaps they have, but none of the articles have said anything about it. See, I don't get this. This whale is clearly hurt and confused and scared and alone, and no one seems to be willing to do what it takes to save it. If you won't use sounds, then get a damn crane and lift the poor baby to the open sea! I will never understand how people can just stand by and let animals suffer. It absolutely kills me.

If I knew who to call about this in London, I would do it... but somehow I have misplaced my London telephone directory.

All I can think about nowadays is traveling. The problems with this are: a) it makes me depressed about how boring my life is, b) I have no money, c) I have very little vacation time, and d) there are too many places to go! But the fact that as soon as I get home, all I can think about is leaving again... that makes me think that the main problem is that I have no one to play with here, and I spend all my time babysitting. Not that I have anything against babysitting, usually, but too much is too much.

The one nice thing in the world is that winter in San Francisco means a strange combination of falling leaves, cherry blossoms, rainy mornings and sunny afternoons. It's cold, but I love it. Except for getting out of the shower in the morning.

I guess I'm going to the East Bay to see Danielle, or something. Cause she's actually around. All three of my friends here are good. Oh! And Nathan Matsuda is here for 6 months! He's here for a Pixar internship, but I like to think he just came to hang out with me for 6 months.

Happy weekend.

-Cam

sweet sweet victory and a wopping $6

i'm sure you are all rather sick of hearing about trivia night, but i would just like to note that we won again, second week in a row. the North America Airport Code question was ORD for O'Hare and i was SO ALL OVER THAT ONE! and i also got the Shakespeare/Cleopatra question and the Blur song. and we didn't even cheat this week. at least not that i'm aware of. we won we won we won.

and i also had pretty much the strongest drink of my entire life. a Long Island Iced Tea, for the record. holy shit.

hey, it's like the only social thing i do all week long, let me have my fun.

emotional sine waves

This weekend was one of emotional extremes, to put it mildly. It was fun and confusing and exciting and sad, and, in a word, mrrrrrrrg?

I went to Chicago to help Kevin shoot a movie. We ended up only shooting for a day, and I had a lot of time to spend with my friends. But I'll get to that.

On Friday morning I woke up, warm and cozy in Jack's spare room, and stared out the window at the rain for a long time. As I watched the rain began to turn to snow, and by the time I left the house it was flat out snowing. I had been hoping for snow, and I was excited to get it. I had lunch with Matt, Phil, Jack, and Tim at Panera, and then walked to campus for loadout at the cage with Kevin. While I waited around for him I checked the Jacobson's medical blog. That morning Jill, Natalie and Alec's mom, had posted that "With as much certainty as any human can say, [Ken] is very close to the end of his life... We like to think that he can hear us when we are gathered in his room talking, or laughing, or playing music...or when we get close and talk in his ear. While he's with us we can still hold his hand and touch him and let him know how much he is loved." I went for a long walk around the lakefill- I don't like crying in front of people. The weather was miserable, with driving wind blowing the snow into my face and the steely gray waves of the lake crashing against the rocks like something out of a Romantic painting. My jeans were soaked through and my fingers went numb, but it felt good to be outside and able to think. It was the sort of day you might expect someone to die.

Ken died the next morning at 6am, on Natalie's 10th birthday, of complications related to his second stem cell transplant-- namely pneumonia. I had been worried that this would happen all week long, as I read the increasingly worrisome posts on their website. Please don't let him die on Saturday, I thought over and over again, talking to who knows what but some sort of natural force that drives the tide of life and death. Please let Nat have one last birthday with her dad. But when it happened, their family proved once again how amazing they are: they let the day be about Natalie, about celebrating her birthday and not dwelling on the awful event that had ocurred. Nat had her bowling/ice cream/make-up/sleepover party and was surrounded by her friends. I think in the future her birthday will be about celebrating not only her life but her dad's life as well and everything that they meant to each other.

I walked up to their house today to see everyone. I was a little concerned that I didn't really belong there, at such a difficult time, because I wasn't family and I couldn't really do anything concrete to help out. I never know what to say about death, because "I'm sorry" feels so unnecessary and insufficient. It seemed, though, that Jill and the kids did want me to come, and I hope I at least gave Jill some time to get things done this morning. At the very least, I passed on a few hugs all the way from Camilla in Norway. The kids and I played Mall Madness, a game that has gotten quite the hi-tech makeover since I was a kid, and went on a nature walk to collect things. We came back with a surprising array of wintery nature: feathers and ivy and twigs and rocks, pine needles and tubers and even a sizeable clump of dirt. We played Alec's "name an animal for every letter" game, and he and I had a nice healthy debate about whether "caviar" qualifies as an animal. I saw new toys, books, clothing... the kids are doing pretty well, all things considered. Alec seemed a lot angrier than he usually is; little things would frustrate him or upset him. He didn't mention his dad at all, except when Natalie brought him up. Nat seems to be absorbing all the changes in her life in her quiet, observant way. She mentioned two or three times how much she missed her dad, and was upset about an autograph book she has that he had never signed, and a present she was making that she hadn't given to him. I told her to make a box where she could keep presents for her dad, and she seemed to like that idea. They both seemed more subdued than usual, although we did have our share of laughs and giggles. I didn't get to talk to Jill very much, unfortunately; she was busy writing an obituary and had a few friends staying with them. She seemed tired and mentioned that the whole thing was very surreal, and it was; it was surreal even for me to be there and think that Ken was no longer around. I can't even imagine how it must feel for them.

So that was the bad part of the weekend.

The good part was the absolute cornucopia of friends I saw, and while I didn't get to spend enough time with any of them, it's always good to see someone for yourself and do a mental check on how they're doing. Besides the obvious Jack, Tim, Kevin, and Matt, I saw (**warning LONG LIST**): KATE (!! she was there visiting Ben, her boyfriend, which was a gigundo surprise), Annie, Kat, Sip, Erik, Jim, Brian Perkinson, Brian Cagle, Pedro, Phil, Leo, Jackie, Nathan (who is coming to the Bay Area for 6 months! hurray!), Ian Bennett, Paul Kruse, Adam Price, Jen Howell, Kevin's friend Sean, Adam Sobel, and probably others that I have forgotten. On Friday night Jack, Tim, Kat, Sip, Annie and I went on an "adventure" that began as a trip to the (infamous) Fish Keg on Howard to be followed by Howard Street bar hopping, and ended up as what I shall now refer to as the "IHOPleaf night," consisting of dinner at IHOP and drinks at the Hopleaf in Andersonville. It was completely fabulous to see Kat and Annie and Sip, because I do not see them often. On Sunday I went to lunch with Kate and Ben and Tim and Sip, and then to see Brokeback Mountain again with Kate and Ben (and yes, it totally holds up upon second-viewing). There wasn't a whole lot of time to actually talk to Kate, but it was nice to see her anyway.

On Sunday night I had dinner with Kevin and Jack, who were both more interested in the Bears game than in any sort of conversation, but what can you do. Jack and I went to Tim's afterward to watch the most recent, most amazing episode of Arrested Development and then Tim and I hung out for two hours talking about movie minutae, which was grand. Sip and Jim came over to say hi and they gave me a ride back to Jack's, and then Jack and I stayed up late talking too. So, like I said, I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with any one person, but it's also a hell of a lot better than not seeing your friends at all. Now I just have to start counting the days until I can see them all again.

The one productive thing about the weekend, in terms of the big picture of my life, was that I realized just how much I frickin' miss film stuff. No one in my day-to-day life could ever be heard saying something like "the tapes were drop-frame but the lab retimed the color bars and we just had to re-online," as I heard Kevin said to me on Thursday when he picked me up. Hearing something like that is like a bizarre breath of fresh air to me, and I started thinking about it, and I think that this is why I don't enjoy Pacific Primary as much as I might: there's nothing challenging for me, but moreover, everyone speaks a different language than I do, the language of Early Childhood. Not that I can only speak Filmspeak, but I'm certainly more fluent in it. It's just nice to kick back and talk shop with Kevin or someone for awhile, nice to discuss film things with Tim and Jack. One of the most jolting things about coming home from Evanston was that now, when I go to a movie with someone, their follow-up commentary usually consists of something like "Well, that was good." There's no outrage at the audacity of a director to use a Vertigo shot, no pretentious theories put forward, not even a word about an out of focus shot or two. I miss that, and I want it back. Is that strange?

Speaking of films, and then I'll actually shut up: I watched Brian Cagle's thesis, Ruthie, which is the film I worked on when we all went to Tennessee. It was pretty awful. I mean, it looked great. The stuff Kevin shot was dead-on exactly what he was going for, and I'm awfully proud of him for it. Cagle shot a few inserts, and they were pretty bad, but hopefully not too noticeable. The bad things about it were, in order of most atrocious: 1) the editing, 2) the sound design, and 3) the acting. Now, I knew the actors weren't great when we were making the damn thing, but I was surprised how bad they came across on screen. And the editing! You'd think someone who'd been in grad school for two and a half years would pick up on at least some sort of editing savvy, but I guess not. I hope it wasn't his final cut, but it definitely was the one he took to Chattanooga to show. He should have had someone else edit it, but oh well.

OK, well, millions of words later, I'm going to bed. Back to work tomorrow? How about I get on a plane and go somewhere again? I have this awful travel bug. Maybe South Africa?

-Cameron

yay!

I would like to point out that I am in Evanston and it is snowing.

Cameron's Top 10 Movies of 2005

Now, I must say a few things before I go ahead and list my favorite movies of the year. I haven't gotten around to Mrs. Henderson Presents or Crash, which I hear is fantastic; The New World hasn't yet been released here; and The Best of Youth left theaters without telling me. So I'm not considering these films, all of which have gotten lots of critical acclaim and which I'm sure I would probably like. I doubt they'd edge out any of these Top 10, but you never know.

These are not the "best" movies as judged by cinematic artistry. However, they are also not simply my favorites, as judged by how many times I'd be willing to watch them over and over again (that's how I judge my Top 100 Movies of All Time list, and this is not that). This list is a delicate balance of both of these qualities. If you have questions as to why the hell things something is on here, please don't hesitate to ask.

And so, without further ado:

Cameron's Top 10 Movies of 2005


1. Brokeback Mountain
2. Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit
3. Match Point
4. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
5. The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill
6. Capote
7. Goodnight, and Good Luck
8. Howl’s Moving Castle
9. Batman Begins
10. Munich


and a few runners up...

1. The Aristocrats: SO almost made it, I went back and forth and back and forth between Munich and The Aristocrats for #10. In the end, I figured I should give it to the film with the Important Message as opposed to the film with the amazingly dirty joke.
2. Mad Hot Ballroom: Such a great, adorable movie, but not quite Top 10 material.
3. The 40-Year-Old Virgin: I laughed harder at this movie than I've laughed at any movie in a long time (this was before I saw The Aristocrats, mind you), so it was in serious consideration, but how can you put a movie with a very long scene about Steve Carrell's chest hair in your Top 10?
4. Walk The Line: I liked it a lot, and I thought Reese Witherspoon was amazing, but it had a few key downfalls that prevented it from placing. Ha, placing. Like I'm some big important film critic.
5. Confusions of a Wasted Youth: I was sooooo tempted to put this in there, because it would really irk Tim, but I figured I should keep it to theater releases. And sorry, everybody, the CRC Screening Room does not count as a theater.
6. The Family Stone: Great movie, but a couple plot holes kept it humble.

I thought 2005 was an admirably strong movie year, despite all of Hollywood's moaning and groaning about how they didn't make much money. Perhaps, Hollywood, this is because you are starting to make better movies, and the American People are such idiots that they can't recognize them for what they are. Perhaps you (Hollywood) ought to continue to make good movies, and then the Stupid American People will realize what is going on and start going to them anyway. Perhaps I am dreaming. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

As to the theory that the first movie you see of the year dictates how that year turns out: last year the first film I saw was Ray, which was sort of too long and overall meh, and my year turned out pretty good. This year it was Match Point, which of course is third on the list. So hopefully it's a true theory, and this year will be SO GODDAMN FANTASTIC that in the future I will subscribe to said theory as a sort of religion. This, however, remains to be seen.

Onward, with 2006.