Friday, June 11, 2010

this is reality

Listen, world. Nobody likes the melon in the fruit salad, unless it is watermelon, and it never is. Nobody eats it. Last week at the Boring Work Barbecue there were two entire bowls of cantaloupe and honeydew melon left over for this very reason. Melon sucks, and also I am vaguely allergic to it. Stop forcing us to eat melon! Melon should be the sort of fruit that fans must seek out, like apricots!

On a completely different note, I enjoy the fact that until recently at a local drugstore, tampons and maxi pads are kept in the same isle as yeast infection medication, condoms, and diapers, amongst other things. Walking through it is kind of like an Epcot Center ride through failed birth control: first you need the tampons, then you use the condom, which presumably doesn't work, which results in needing the diapers. I giggled every time I visited this aisle, and now that it's gone I'm sad and I have to wonder if someone complained about the implications and hinting involved in putting diapers right next to period-and-sex-related paraphernalia.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

How To Make Love To Single Women! A Book of Love

I really regret that the photo I tried to take of this amazing book cover didn't come out well, but picture an airbrushed 70's lady sort of akin to Olivia Newton-John in Xanadu, and then put her in an unbuttoned man's shirt, and you're halfway there.

Dustin and David Lassiter and I found this book on the set of this movie Stacking Chips that Dustin shot recently, and it was just too good not to share. In fact, I'm surprised I haven't shared it before now. Entitled How to Make Love To Single Women! A Book of Love, by "Robert M," "from the creators of the bestseller "How To Pick Up Girls!"", copyright 1975, it had the following table of contents. Please discuss.
What's Special About A Single Girl
A Good Lover Is Hard To Find
 There Are No Rules
A Girl Can Spot A Good Lover
Attitude Is The Secret
Treat A Girl Like A Person
Take An Interest
Look Her In The Eyes
Relax and Be Yourself
You Can't Make It With Just Any Woman
How To Pick Up A Single Girl
Treat Her With Respect
Come On Slow
Take A Walk First
Tell Her About Yourself
Don't Talk About Your Girlfriends
Be Confident
Observe Her Moods
Don't Overpower Her
Ask What She Wants To Do
Give Her Time To Fantasize
She Needs To Trust You
Give Her Romance
Take Her Dancing
Try A Massage
Making Your Move
Choose The Moment And Place
Nervous? So's She
Wine Is Fine
Gentleness Makes You Irresistible
Take Off Her Clothes
What To Do With Your Own Clothes
A Switch: Take Off Your Own Clothes First
Light A Candle
Tell Her She's Beautiful
How To Touch Her
Let Her Touch You
Talk To Her
Don't Make Her Pregnant
Let Her Heat Up
A Kiss Is An Oral Message
Caressing Her Breasts: Large and Small
Penis Size Makes No Difference
Tell Her You Love Her Vagina
The Clitoris Is The Go Button
Should You Go Down On Her?
Entry: Easy Does It
What Position Does A Girl Like Best?
Experiment and Improvise
Role Reversal
Try A Dangerous Location
Whatever Gets Her Off
Why Not Do It Again?
Post-Coital Play Is Like Dessert
Fellatio: Do Girls Like To Do It?
Premature Ejaculation And Other Hangups
What To Do If She's Menstruating
What To Do If She's A Virgin
Watch Out: VD Is Very Popular
Lovers Make The Best Friends
Congratulations, Lover!

My favorite is "Treat Her Like A Person"... unless it's "Take A Walk First." Or "Don't Make Her Pregnant." All good advice, boys. Well, the walk is a toss up. Nothing against walks, but... probably unnecessary.