Thursday, August 13, 2009

a list

Things With Which I Disagree

1. Teenaged girls who call their boyfriends "hubby." WRONG FOR SO MANY REASONS! It's annoying enough when grown women who are ACTUALLY MARRIED do it.

2. Twitter.

3. The guy in the audience of Dazed and Confused last night who, when people 20 rows away in the back of the theater were talking, turned around and screamed "SHUT UP!" across the entire theater. Holy crap, man, it's not like they're sitting anywhere near you! Anyone whose hearing is that good and cares that much for silence in a movie they had presumably already seen should be put out of their misery.

4. People who register for gifts when they are not getting married or having a baby and just assume that they deserve said gifts.

Sunday, August 09, 2009


Yes, flummoxed. By this whole wedding thing. No, not my wedding, sadly. Or is it sad? Who knows. FLUMMOXED BY WHAT THE F TO WEAR/BUY AS PRESENT/WHERE TO STAY/HOW TO PAY FOR IT. I am a) broke, b) fat, c) clueless. I haven't been to a wedding since I was 16 and my cousin David was getting married. Now all of a sudden this whole slew of my friends are getting married left and right and I have no idea how to deal with any of it except to want to curl up into a ball and not go.

No, that's not true. I do want to go. I just don't want them to be humiliating.

Which is ridiculous! Why would they be humiliating for me? Nobody will care what I'm wearing. I hope. Right? The only thing people care about is the bride. And the food. Right? I hope. Eeek.

The most annoying thing is that these two weddings, Rachexis' and Jackn'Kat's, are a week apart and it would be lovely if I could just wear the same damn thing to both of them, except they are as different as they could possibly be. One is sun-dress-country-chic-Napa-hillside-sandal wedding, the other is formal-hotel-heels-church-black-tie-optional-what-the-hell-does-that-mean? wedding. And both will be exquisite, I know, so I want to look and be awesome for them. These are four of my very good friends, all getting married in the space of a week. Rachexis (hey, we started calling Rachel and Alexis that LONG before Brangelina and Tomkat) have been a staple of San Francisco ever since sophomore year of high school; Jack and Kat are by far the best couple to come out of CRC. I don't want to embarass any of them by being their dowdy looking fat friend who doesn't understand what to do at weddings.

By the way, I think I've figured it out. I think "black tie optional" means that you should look like you COULD be in the wedding party, even though you're not. So I should find a dress that looks like it could be a bridesmaid dress, but a LITTLE more casual, so I can wear it to Rach's wedding too. Right? But oh shit, I can't even wear dresses. Any dresses that fit my boobs don't fit the rest of me.

I wish I was a guy! One of those guys that just puts on nice jeans and a button down shirt and can have tea with the frickin' Queen he looks so good.

Then there's the question of presents- like I said, these are my good friends, and I want to get them something that actually matters, not just some dumb napkins from a registry. I know they're on the registry for a reason and that they don't want a whole bunch of crap, but it makes me feel awfully impersonal and uncreative. Also, do you bring the present to the wedding or just have it sent? In Jack and Kat's case I guess having it sent makes more sense, since they're moving and all. In Rachexis' case I have no idea. I think I'll have to get them, at least, something small and nice from the registry, and then collect all the pictures I have of the two of them from high school and beyond and put them in an album or something. That's important. It's not like I'll go to any other Lick weddings... I certainly won't be invited to the Sam Coffin/Sasha Osipova wedding (WHICH, LICKIE READERS, CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS??).

Also, this is all going to add up in cost very quickly, and it would even if I didn't get them presents at all- the TRAVEL costs are ridiculous! One wedding in Napa (ok, that one's not too bad), one in Chicago, then next year Kate's will be in Indiana, and Richard's will probably be either in DC or the frickin' Virgin Islands-- then Jarrod Fischer is now getting married, and for all I know that will be in Minnesota, and basically I would just really appreciate it if everyone could get married from now on in either San Francisco or LA. Ok? Thanks.

OH, AND LISTEN, HAIR: you were supposed to be nice and long again by the time I had to go to these weddings, so that I could NOT look like a bag lady. I have been very nice and taken good care of you, and for my money you have not held up your end of the bargain. If there was some tangible way to punish my own hair, trust me, Hair, I would be punishing you.

Rant over. In the end, I am really incredibly looking forward to both of these events. Each should be a small wonderful reunion, and one held for the best of reasons. I'm particularly excited about the Jackn'Kat wedding, as I'll hopefully be seeing people I haven't seen in years and years. Marc Lummis and Lyssa and Kate and Ross? Oh my! Yes please =)