(maybe not so) secret fantasies

Wouldn't it be great if I could leave Los Angeles at the end of May in some sort of vengence-related blaze of glory, where I tell absolutely everyone that I have ever hated exactly why I hate them and what I think is wrong with them and to just generally go to hell? If I could slap every snotty AFI brat I've ever wanted to slap, and find the director who made my AFI career go so badly and, I don't know, do something so incredibly awful to her that she would have to leave the country or at the very least, give up filmmaking, so that she could never ruin anybody's career ever again?

I'd find all the people who have ever looked at me and assumed I didn't know what I was doing, or ignored me because I was the fat girl, or hired someone else because I'm a girl, and I'd corner them and yell at them until they feel just as awful as I do about everything they've ever done. Then I'd find every passive aggressive bitch I've ever worked with and give them what-for.

And then I'd gather up all the people that I love here, because there are quite a few even if they don't all love me, and tell them that they're pretty great, and that they're the hardest thing to leave about LA, and let them know that I really, really hope I'm not going to be the only one in our relationship trying to keep in touch if I don't end up back in LA. That is something I'm afraid of more than almost anything else- if all these people can't be bothered to keep in touch with me when I'm actually in Los Angeles, they're basically just going to write me off once I'm gone, right? Right. Especially the film people. Film people are very out of sight, out of mind. If they're not currently working with you on set, you might as well not be friends.

I just hope I make it out of here with a few of them. Film people and Northwestern people alike- I would have been out of here a long time ago were it not for things running through my head like "but I just have such a good TIME with Joey/Blake/Li-Wei!" or "who will I play stupid board games with if not Kara/Steve/Kirk/Naomi/Letia/Dustin?"

LIFE: WHY DO YOU KEEP CHANGING AND MAKING THINGS SUCK??

/rambling stream of consciousness

P.S. How cool would it be to write a fantasy novel and name a river in the fantasy land the "Stream of Consciousness?" Hahahaha ohhh I crack myself up.

from our trip to Vegas

I need to write a legit post about Vegas, because it was pretty great, but I'd say this video sums it up decently well:

Girl things that continue to elude me

I have never been a particularly girly girl. I went through my pink and purple stage in preschool just like every other girl on the planet, and there are girly things I enjoy, but for the most part, "girl stuff" kind of baffles me. A good example is tiny pockets in stupid places. I had a shirt once that had a tiny pocket on the sleeve, as though it was made for keeping quarters in case you needed to make a phone call in 1996. Why was it there? It drove me nuts. Ever since that shirt I've had a strict rule: thou shalt buy no clothing that has inexplicable parts attached. It's worked out pretty well.

My current issue is nail polish. I have never ever in my entire life been able to keep nail polish on, in pristine condition, for more than two days. I kind of like nail polish- I like fun colors like orange and green. But how on Earth do most people get it to stay on? On Saturday morning I did my nails at Katie's house, with a clear top coat and everything. They were nice and minty green for all of six hours, and then my right index finger started to chip. It's always my right index finger, probably because that's the finger I use the most. Now, on Monday night, I have six complete nails, two partial nails and two completely naked nails. Do normal people just keep reapplying? What a waste of time!

Other girl things I don't understand include strapless bras, bangs, and anything that involves clubbing.

Advice on how to be a normal girl is, as always, appreciated.