Friday, April 08, 2011

An Open Letter to the Naked Ladies at the Hollywood YMCA

Dear Naked Ladies at the Hollywood YMCA,

I hate to sound anti-feminist or something, but- who ARE you people? How are you so brazenly comfortable with your bodies? You stand around, naked as jaybirds, and just... CHITCHAT for long chunks of time without making even the slightest move towards getting dressed. Sometimes one of you will put your towel on the bench and straddle it and keep talking while brushing her hair or texting, boobs all out in the open as though you're about to breastfeed a baby or something. We get it, you have very nice boobs, but who is so important that you MUST text them before you get dressed? And all of you are always standing right in front of my locker, so that I have to navigate an awkward array of blithely gossiping bodies in order to get dressed myself. Don't you notice how quickly and efficiently I do so? You can be quick and efficient too! Please, be quick and efficient!

It's not that I hate the female body or mind naked people in the locker room, but when you are not using the locker room for typical locker room functions (LIKE GETTING DRESSED), I mind. I mind when I have to hear all about how awesome that spin class was, or how much your boss sucks, or oh my god how you wish so-and-so would just dump her boyfriend. These are conversations that can be held IN THE LOBBY, where there are LARGE COMFY CHAIRS.

And don't even get me started on the times when one of you decides to make idle conversation with me. I'm just trying to get my stuff and get out of here- I have no interest in hearing your impassioned ode to your pilates instructor.

The least you could do, Naked Ladies, if you're going to traipse about the locker room, is be fatter than me- but NOOOOOOO you all have to be model/actress types, don't you? I have noticed many of you have back/torso/hip tattoos- do you stand around naked to show them off? Then why not get a tattoo that is easily seen? Go to hell, all of you.

And please move away from my locker.


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