(maybe not so) secret fantasies

Wouldn't it be great if I could leave Los Angeles at the end of May in some sort of vengence-related blaze of glory, where I tell absolutely everyone that I have ever hated exactly why I hate them and what I think is wrong with them and to just generally go to hell? If I could slap every snotty AFI brat I've ever wanted to slap, and find the director who made my AFI career go so badly and, I don't know, do something so incredibly awful to her that she would have to leave the country or at the very least, give up filmmaking, so that she could never ruin anybody's career ever again?

I'd find all the people who have ever looked at me and assumed I didn't know what I was doing, or ignored me because I was the fat girl, or hired someone else because I'm a girl, and I'd corner them and yell at them until they feel just as awful as I do about everything they've ever done. Then I'd find every passive aggressive bitch I've ever worked with and give them what-for.

And then I'd gather up all the people that I love here, because there are quite a few even if they don't all love me, and tell them that they're pretty great, and that they're the hardest thing to leave about LA, and let them know that I really, really hope I'm not going to be the only one in our relationship trying to keep in touch if I don't end up back in LA. That is something I'm afraid of more than almost anything else- if all these people can't be bothered to keep in touch with me when I'm actually in Los Angeles, they're basically just going to write me off once I'm gone, right? Right. Especially the film people. Film people are very out of sight, out of mind. If they're not currently working with you on set, you might as well not be friends.

I just hope I make it out of here with a few of them. Film people and Northwestern people alike- I would have been out of here a long time ago were it not for things running through my head like "but I just have such a good TIME with Joey/Blake/Li-Wei!" or "who will I play stupid board games with if not Kara/Steve/Kirk/Naomi/Letia/Dustin?"

LIFE: WHY DO YOU KEEP CHANGING AND MAKING THINGS SUCK??

/rambling stream of consciousness

P.S. How cool would it be to write a fantasy novel and name a river in the fantasy land the "Stream of Consciousness?" Hahahaha ohhh I crack myself up.