An Open Letter to the Naked Ladies at the Hollywood YMCA

Dear Naked Ladies at the Hollywood YMCA,

I hate to sound anti-feminist or something, but- who ARE you people? How are you so brazenly comfortable with your bodies? You stand around, naked as jaybirds, and just... CHITCHAT for long chunks of time without making even the slightest move towards getting dressed. Sometimes one of you will put your towel on the bench and straddle it and keep talking while brushing her hair or texting, boobs all out in the open as though you're about to breastfeed a baby or something. We get it, you have very nice boobs, but who is so important that you MUST text them before you get dressed? And all of you are always standing right in front of my locker, so that I have to navigate an awkward array of blithely gossiping bodies in order to get dressed myself. Don't you notice how quickly and efficiently I do so? You can be quick and efficient too! Please, be quick and efficient!

It's not that I hate the female body or mind naked people in the locker room, but when you are not using the locker room for typical locker room functions (LIKE GETTING DRESSED), I mind. I mind when I have to hear all about how awesome that spin class was, or how much your boss sucks, or oh my god how you wish so-and-so would just dump her boyfriend. These are conversations that can be held IN THE LOBBY, where there are LARGE COMFY CHAIRS.

And don't even get me started on the times when one of you decides to make idle conversation with me. I'm just trying to get my stuff and get out of here- I have no interest in hearing your impassioned ode to your pilates instructor.

The least you could do, Naked Ladies, if you're going to traipse about the locker room, is be fatter than me- but NOOOOOOO you all have to be model/actress types, don't you? I have noticed many of you have back/torso/hip tattoos- do you stand around naked to show them off? Then why not get a tattoo that is easily seen? Go to hell, all of you.

And please move away from my locker.

Sincerely,
Cameron

DON'T PANIC

Ah, the immortal words of Douglas Adams. They come to me often, these days.

Hung out with Deirdre and Sarah tonight, and we watched The Business of Being Born, which is a really interesting documentary about how the medical industry has made having a baby into something rushed, scheduled, and overly medicated, which is something it shouldn't be. You may call me a hippie if you like, but the fact that 1/3 of deliveries in the US are by C-section and a significant percentage of THOSE are pre-scheduled is pretty fucked up.

But that's not the point. The point is that afterwards, we got to talking- these are my former Suitebonders, so of course we got to talking- and we talked about all the changes that are starting to happen with everyone: Deirdre's married now and is "half-moving" to Phoenix (that is, she's moving but Karl isn't and they're keeping their Los Feliz place), where she got a tenure-track job as a professor at ASU, and Sarah is parting ways with John as a roommate and moving in with Zoe. And I- well, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I have vague notions about things like "in May I'm probably going to Texas" and "starting in June I'll be in Chicago for 6 weeks" and "in August we have a family reunion," but I have no big life plan like most people seem to. I don't even have a semblance of a life plan, and it's scary. It's what makes me think I need to get away from LA, just for the sake of starting my life.

But then I think about all my friends here, and my Book Club, which is finally starting to coalesce and become a staple in all of our lives, and how can I possibly watch the next season of Glee without Steve and Kirk? How can I not see Kevin every few weeks? Will my AFI friends, who I hardly ever see and who basically (I'm not counting you, Letia!) don't give a shit about me, cease to care about me at all? What about all those random boys I had/have crushes on who I never had the guts to approach? And I never made my documentary about the desert. How can I do that from San Francisco? How will it feel to not be involved in making movies AT ALL?

In short: is being unhappy a large chunk of the time really a reason to give up some of the few things that do make you happy?

Also, I completely fell apart over the weekend as far as exercising. I blame baseball: there were too many games to watch/listen to/go to. I went to my first game at Chavez Ravine last night, and even though we lost, it was a good game, and I hardly ever see Kevin Chatupornpitak and Dave Dittell anymore, so it was a lot of fun. Tomorrow I'm hopping back on the exercise bandwagon. The good news is that I've been eating fairly well- lots of yogurt and fruit, to be honest, but that's a hell of a lot better than "lots of chips." Deirdre made roasted veggies for dinner tonight, which is something I have to do more often, because it's so damn easy.

And finally, a plea: if any of you know anyone who needs a 2-month sublet in LA for June and July, Kara and I are looking for a subletter to take over my room between the time I move out and the time she moves out. This is, honestly, the main thing that's stressing me out at the moment, because I don't want to leave her hanging with no subletter. I'm going to be clearing out my room quite a bit in the next week, and then taking a lot of stuff home in a couple weeks, so hopefully it won't be too hard to find someone, but I know she'd rather live with someone that we know at least vaguely than someone random off craigslist. So please, if you know anyone, pass them on. Rent isn't bad and it's a cute apartment in Los Feliz.

air sex education

LA has been doing its damndest these last couple days to make sure that I don't go to the gym. It's rolled out the 85 degree weather and I have a distinct fear that it's here to stay. There is absolutely nothing I hate more than hot, sticky weather... unless it's going to the gym in hot, sticky weather. But that's what the pool's for, right? I guess I should start going to the pool.

Yesterday was the first really hot day, and I didn't go to the gym. To be fair to myself, this wasn't just because it was hot; it was an extremely busy day and I was already tired from going to the Air Sex Championships the night before. I was leaving work early to shoot a VFE interview, so I got to work early to compensate and didn't go home for lunch for the same reason. One awful side issue related to dieting is that not a lot of diet food is portable- you can't just make a sandwich in the morning and go, because sandwiches contain bread, and bread is, apparently, the enemy. Which sucks. I love bread.

But anyway- I didn't eat much other than yogurt and apples all day, and the VFE interview was stressful because of the people hovering around me while I try to set up, and it was hot and sticky, and then I had to go straight to a meeting with Robin and Sasha afterwards and didn't get home until 9. So, long story short, I had no desire at all to go to the gym. Instead I went to bed at 10:00. It was awesome.

It's hot again today, but I'm going to go. Really. I'll go home, grab a snack and go. I don't actually have to return Kris' lights until Sunday, so that's a plus.

Anyway! Air sex! I'm sure you've all been dying to hear about the mysterious Air Sex Championship that Steve and I went to on Wednesday. It was kind of exactly what you'd expect- it's kind of like sex miming. People choose a song to "perform" to and then act out their half (or some fraction thereof) of having sex with a person, an object, etc- one guy pretending he was having sex with a 15-foot woman. Some people were really funny, some people were stupid, a couple were really gross. I don't really know what else to say for those who still can't imagine it... I suppose "like that scene in When Harry Met Sally, but with more gestures" will suffice.

I don't know that I need to go to OTHER air sex shows... I mean, some people are probably really good at it, so maybe it'd be fun to go to the WORLD Championships or something, but the Los Angeles Championship was just a few people who were really into it, a few people who did it spur of the moment but were good, and a few stupid drunk people. The girl who won performed very realistic and enthusiastic lesbian air sex. She won a Fleshlight. I don't know if that would be useful to a lesbian, but maybe it would. If you don't know what a Fleshlight is, either look it up or listen to more Savage Love.

So! Big plans this weekend- gym, Glee, work, Book Club and then my FIRST REGULAR SEASON GIANTS GAME with a bunch of Dodgers fans. I'm looking forward to it, but also hoping no one beats me up for wearing Giants gear, which happened yesterday at the season opener. Dodgers fans suck- I've had enough random people yell at me from across parking lots in LA just for having a Giants bumper sticker that I know this for a fact.

Oh, and happy April Fool's Day! It's one of my favorite holidays- pranks and jokes are big in my family. Two days ago my brother and I sent my Dad a letter "from" the City and County of San Francisco, saying that he had to clean out the basement and passageway in our house, both of which are completely full of stuff. We gave him a number to call- which was Taylor's Google Voice number- and left a message saying the office was closed, or something. He fell for it hook, line and sinker and left a harassed message on the voicemail. Hurray! I couldn't let him suffer for too long though, so I called and 'fessed up pretty quickly, since Mom reported that he sounded really stressed and mad about it.

I just love holidays that are all about being goofy and childlike, don't you?

Wednesday, Dad's birthday

One of the stupidest things I do in regards to the gym is not give myself enough time to be there properly. This is because I don't like going, so I put it off, but I know I have to go, so I go at the last possible minute, and then either the gym is closing (on weekends it closes at 8, grrr) or I have to go somewhere. Example: I'm sitting here at my computer, waiting for the Midol to kick in (because I think we can all agree that it's not fun to go the gym BEFORE the Midol kicks in, right?), which I figure will happen in about half an hour, which will leave me with only two hours to get to the gym, work out, come back, eat dinner/change clothes, and go pick up Steve for the Air Sex Competition we are going to tonight.

Yes, you read that right, the Air Sex Competition. I'll get to that in a second.

I don't really know how to change this issue- my life this year is busier than last year, and thank goodness, because it makes me feel like less of a waste of space. But isn't this the most important thing I could be doing with my time? Yes. So why don't I allow myself enough time to do it properly, to go and do multiple machines, not just the elliptical, or else do just one machine and then go swimming? I miss swimming, but it certainly is more of an ordeal than just going on a machine. Bleh.

Everything would be solved if I could convince myself to get up at 5am and go to the gym before work, on the days that I work. But I cannot do this. I'm not a 5am person, never have been, never will be. There have been a couple times in my life that I've been awake all night with insomnia and went to the gym before work because I just never fell asleep, but I can hardly hope that THAT happens often. Besides, I sleep better when I've been exercising well, and I'd hate to ruin that. So I'll just have to keep cramming things in for the time being- but exercising some is better than exercising none, right?

Anyway, yes. The Air Sex Competition. My trivia friends found out about it, and we were all going to go, but then they bailed (for "jobs," so I suppose I can't fault them) so now it's just me and Steve, and maybe Li-Wei if she leaves work in time. I don't know much about it, but it sounds just too weird-in-a-good-way to pass up. It's been described to me as "kind of like air guitar." I'll keep you posted, but will NOT be bringing my camera, because I'd feel like some sort of weird... air voyeur.

Oh, and today thus far I have eaten ok. Did a Lean Cuisine pizza for lunch. It was not really worth it. I'd rather have the Trader Joe's Chicken Tikka Masala any day.

Tuesday

Today was fairly successful. I finished my taxes (hurray, refunds!), picked up lights from my friend Kris for the Vote For Equality interview I'm shooting on Thursday (I'll have to explain a bit about that at some point, I guess), and went to the gym and did the elliptical for a nice long chunk of time. And I ate ok. Again, not spectacularly, but I'm on my way to reviving the nice balanced diet I had there for awhile. The key I think is eating your 5+ servings per day of fruits and vegetables- it's hard for me because I don't like most raw vegetables, so I have to cook them, and often I am just too lazy. But this will be a thing of the past soon, I hope.

I'm super tired so the only other thing I'll say is that I promise to never, ever while I am blogging about losing weight call the whole ordeal "my weight-loss journey." They say this on The Biggest Loser (one of my guilty-pleasure reality shows) all the time, and I cannot stand it. I get that losing weight is all about creating better eating and exercising habits, etc, but COME ON. The phrase is just a little too loveydovey for me. Gag.

It annoys me in the same way that I am annoyed when I'm working at preschool and they don't allow peanut butter in the building anymore because there are some kids who are incredibly allergic to peanuts. I get it, theoretically, but again: COME ON. It should be noted, however, that these two things aren't really connected anywhere except in my mind.

Well, oops.

Ok, so I didn't go the gym today. I ate ok but not spectacularly. My excuse is that I had a meeting with my friend Robin about a music video we're trying to make, and then he was like "hey, want to watch Mildred Pierce (HBO's new miniseries)?" And obviously I did, so we did, and then it was 8:30 and while I usually DO go to the gym late-ish at night, I was also too hungry to go without getting a headache. All of which is a long-winded way to say: today I sucked, but I will go tomorrow.

Set on Sunday provided not the WORST food in the world- there were at least veggies to go with the typical Mysteriously-Ethnic-Food-Flavored Meat. And with very little craft service to speak of, I think I came out ok in the end. Yes, I did have a baked potato when I got home, but now I don't have any potatoes left, so that's the end of that, for awhile at least.

Which sucks, though. There's nothing I love more than a baked potato with lots of cheese and butter... unless it's my mom's scalloped potatoes, which have lots of cheese and butter baked INTO them. Oh man, we had the best scalloped potatoes at the Bellagio buffet in Las Vegas. Not as good as my mom's, of course, but amazing just the same. I let myself have two servings because there were no desserts I could eat and I paid $40 for the damn buffet.

There were also good scalloped potatoes in Scottsdale at Don and Charlie's, the famed baseball memorabilia steakhouse. There should be a law that vacation food doesn't actually add to your body fat content.

So, here's to a better tomorrow, in which I will go to the gym AND finish my taxes! I would finish them tonight, but my mom went to bed and I need her to explain things like what the hell all of it means. Stupid freelancing.

An experiment

So, I decided, just now, that I'm going to try an experiment. I'm going to try, between now and May 1st, to write about my ongoing and ridiculous struggles to lose weight. I've been really bad about it in the last couple months, mostly because I've been really depressed, and it's a cyclical thing where when I'm depressed, I just want to sit around rereading Harry Potter, and then I get more depressed that I haven't done anything all day and no one seems to care that I exist. Plus, I'm really good at being in denial- the whole "well, I'll go to the gym tomorrow, but today I'm going to sit around rereading Harry Potter." And then I don't go tomorrow. So, I figure maybe if I'm sort of holding myself accountable for it by writing about it every day or two, it might help with motivation and also with not being in denial. At least I hope so. I have to do something different, and this seems like a good start.

I'm not going to tell you all how much I weigh (because it's embarrassing) or how many calories I burned or any of that boring stuff. I'm just going to report back on whether I went to the gym and ate well. It'll give me a reason to write more, too, and I can segue into other stuff from the boring crap.

I don't really expect to lose a ton of weight in just 4 1/2 weeks, mind you, but again, it seems like a good start.

So tonight, I went to the gym. Not for too long, or as long as I used to stay, because it closes at 8pm on Saturdays and because I'm easing back into things. I did the elliptical, which I like because it doesn't mess with my asthma the way a treadmill would. If anyone can explain to me why a treadmill makes me out of breath and the elliptical doesn't, that would be great- it makes no sense to me, I just know that I live in fear of treadmills. They remind me of running laps on the field in elementary school, and Mike Axtell lapping me as he completed his 4-minute mile. Jerk.

As I was leaving the gym and Nice Bald Manager Guy was closing the gates, he said "Keep it up, you're doin' good!" Apparently he failed to notice that I haven't been there in over a month. But at least SOMEONE thinks I'm doin' good, even if he was just saying it... I need the encouragement.

I ate ok today. I was on set for part of the day, which always makes eating well a huge task- sets are littered with things like soda and candy and chips and basically anything portable that a crew can grab and go. That doesn't translate well to losing weight- it's one of the main reasons I gained so much weight at AFI. I'm on set tomorrow, too- for the whole day this time, not just a half day like today- and I'm kind of dreading it. This also means I won't be able to go to the gym tomorrow... but Monday and Tuesday I have off, so hopefully I'll make up for it.

A plea: PLEASE email and bug me if you notice I haven't posted or something. I clearly am not very good at doing this on my own.

Oh, and I'm going to start going to Weight Watchers again too. It helped a lot the first time I did it, and then they changed the stupid system and I got confused and fell off the wagon. I might change to Monday night meetings instead of Tuesday night, though- I can't face Carl The Kindly Old Man when he weighs me and sees that I gained back the 12 pounds I lost last year. I will kind of miss Carl, though, so maybe when I am back on track I'll start back on Tuesday nights. Tuesday is Glee night with Steve though... hmm.

So thanks for being there, guys, and I hope this isn't too dull for you to follow. I don't want to lose my 3 readers.